


The Other Side of Spinner's End

by sneakybike17



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Child Labor, Child Neglect, Child Severus Snape, Gen, Good Severus Snape, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rating May Change, Sad Severus Snape, Severus Snape Angst, poor Snape, snape apologist
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24334117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sneakybike17/pseuds/sneakybike17
Summary: Severus Snape's really sad life. Severus had no one to tell him what's right and what's wrong, well, until he was useful. But Severus can't be broken into a side of war because he is already broken. The story of a wizard who experienced everything from another perspective.credit to JK Rowling
Comments: 7
Kudos: 25





	1. How they met

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically Severus's really really sad life

Lily was about 9, jumping across the fence. It looked haunted. But Lily continued, and a man grabbed her from the back. She screamed. A boy about her age that she couldn’t see came up to the man and said:”:

please sir, please”.

The man looked up at the boy.

”Fine, tell the father of yours to have a shot with me”.

The boy nodded and turned around. He looked sharply and proceeded to say 

”Leave, this is not the place you want to live in” The boy seemed sad, and he looked physically tired. 

Everything was bad on the other side of spinner's end. Lily Evans, even though was just a child on the street, always had a kind heart. She wanted to help everyone on the other side of Spinner’s end, where there in so much violence that even the police stopped patrolling. Lily saw a boy her age often, even though they never talked. She wanted to meet him, as she never saw him within 15 feet. The neighborhood of Spinner's end of the other side was definitely not safe for children. Her parents forbid her to go to the other side of Spinner’s end, even though she wanted to. Her parents called the other side of spinners end sad street. It became a nickname, as she also started using it, even though she had a little hope that on the inside, maybe, things were beautiful. One day, when she felt rebellious, she jumped over the fence that was low, and she memorized where it was. She went searching for the boy. Sad street was just like it was described, but Lily wanted to be brave. The screaming, drinking, and bad behavior made her think this could as well be a horror movie. At last, she found where the boy was, in the very last street. She ran up to the boy and froze. What should she say? She finally mustered up some courage and said hi. He ran away. She must have scared him, Lily thought, as the boy did seem to be very jumpy. Lily was not giving up and was thinking of a plan as the boy returned. The boy came up to her slowly limping. His eyes looked beautiful, mysteriously black. His face was a little swollen, a little bruised, a little bleeding and he was wearing layers of ripped clothing, covering his whole body but his face.

“ What happened to your face?” She asked.

“ Nothing just fell, you know,"

the want to come to the other side?”

The boy stared at his ripped shoes and quietly whispered “ I can't if they find out, I’ll be dead”

Lily saw he was frightened. “What’s the matter,” she asked. 

He hid behind a tree really fast as Lily’s parents showed up. “What are you doing here sweetie?”

Lily looked at the tree and said “I was talking to a boy, you know, I wanted to bring him to our side.

Lily’s parents bent down at her height. “Where is he?”

Lily ran up to the tree where the boy was and pulled him out. The boy seemed scared and didn't have the strength to resist. Her parents grabbed the boy and he looked rather tense.

Lily’s dad, Peter, shouted at him “ DID YOU BRING MY GIRL HERE?’’

“ No, sir” the boy's voice was quivering.

Lily saw that he was scared “don’t yell at him dad, he seems scared!’’

Lily’s dad looked at her and said “Sorry, Rose, can you please take Lily home?’’

Lily’s mom Rose, grabbed Lily’s hand when she said: “ Don’t hurt him please, I promise, we were just talking.” Lily knew dad would listen to her.

“Fine” he picked up Lily and started walking towards home.

~

It was a new day. Lily decided that was enough, the boy shouldn't stay there, she went downstairs and declared

“ I will be saving the boy and bring him here, as I cannot look at a small boy, my age living in those conditions.

Lily’s parents hesitant allowed her to go there, after lots of pleading. Lily was not 7 anymore, she was 11. Lily and her parents went, as they jumped over the fence. It was worse than before. More dirty, more screaming, more of the haunted look. She went to the very last street, and called out for Severus. They waited for a while as he came out. Lily wanted to be alone as she knew he wouldn't be comfortable with her parents around. He came around with many layers of clothes again, but his face only seemed more bloody, more bruised, more swollen, and sulky. His body seemed super malnourished and skinny, even though he had a tall and kind of muscular aroma around him.

He whispered “Quickly”

Lily looked around and the only people around she saw was her parents that there was no way that he could see. A bulky man came around, and he had a drunk smell to him.

“Severus”

The boy quickly dropped him head and whispered “Yes sir”.

The man put his hands around Severus’s neck and took him off the ground. Lily watched in horror as the man beat him, threw him and whipped him around like a toy. What terrified her even more was the fact that he didn't make any sound, expect a small, almost unnoticeable wince when the man beat him harder. The man left and the boy came back. Lily thought of what the man called the boy

“Severus?’’

The boy simply nodded, he looked ashamed. Lily’s parents, scared for her came out of the bushes and hugged her. Severus looked even more embarrassed.

“We should get out of here sweetie” her mom called.

Lily shook her head. All she could think of was “what if she was in his shoes?’’ She stood there in shook. Her parents took the first move for her.

“ Who was that” her dad asked in a rather cautionary voice.

“ He is my… “ the boy hesitated

“my father”. Lily just became more shocked, how could a parent ever treat their child like that?!

“ Do you want food?” Rose asked. Severus seemed on the verge of crying.

“Yes, ma’am.” Severus was red.

" We will clean you up and then deal with everything later," Peter said.

Severus was taken to their home. He hung his head all the way there,with a fixed expression.When they got home, they started taking off the layers of clothing that he had put on. It was horrifying and her parents told her to leave. She peaked through the window. Severus's body was full of cuts, bruises and scars. The last torn cloth that he had on was red, from the blood. As soon as the last layer came off, Severus wrapped his hands around his body and tightly gripped his upper arm. Lily's parents comforted him, as they cleaned up all the blood (Mr. Evans was a medic). After cleaning and wrapping the wounds, they put new clothes and took him to the bathroom where Lily could not see and changed his torn shorts with pants. He looked a 1000 times better already. They gave him food, which he finished so quick that it was evident he was starved. Lily came downstairs and asked

"won't your parents be worried you are missing or something?".

Severus almost smirked, but also got a little sadder and looked down as usual and whispered "No".

Mr. And Mrs. Evans looked at Severus and politely said "you can look up and speak, and you also don't have to fear us and don't call us Sir and Ma'am.”

Severus was struggling to meet their eyes but managed to nod. The next day, The bulky man and a sulky woman were at their door. Severus had gotten many immediate results. He was more healthy, and more relaxed.

"Where is Severus" the man grumbled.

Severus was hiding, looking from far away.

"Eileen, give them some treatment" the man grumbled.

The lady took out a stick and Severus came running.

Please sir" he dropped his head and kneeled on both feet before the man " .

The man grabbed Severus and sniffed". The man looked angry.

"Little brat" the man spat. "Remember, you have to come home".

The boy had tears streaming out of his eyes as he placed his palm forcefully on top of his eyelids. He hadn't moved from the kneeling position as he tried to not wail. His father forced his face up and his arms down, revealing his crying face.

”Crying now huh, have we gone to disrespect?”

Severus murmured ”I'm sorry sir”.

”Tobias! Not here at least” Severus father, who was apparently Tobias looked at the woman grunted,

”always trying to avoid consequences, you little piece of..”

He kept his language seeing Lily was present.

”I'm sorry doesn't cut it".

Severus was shaking.

Lily asked, "How did y'all get here, Mrs. And Mr.Snape?”

The woman spoke softly, she was also tired and exhausted.

”Sweetie, we came through the waters, You know, Severus’s father doesn't like it when… Ummm..... When”

her eyes looked all over the place.

”when Severus is… is ummmm… Missing you know.”

She was looking at Tobias the whole time and it was very obvious she was lying. Then she said

”Hey Tobias, Ill bring Severus home, by 7. I have made eggs, they will rot if you don’t eat it, honey”.

Tobias gave a glaring look until he turned and left.

Lily had noticed that Severus was very uncomfortable with it all, and unconsciously started to pat his shoulder, hoping it would comfort him in anyway from. The distraught look in his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason, my notes are all over the place)


	2. Sorry, I can't now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus still struggles with hope.

"I'm sorry" were the only words Severus could mutter before his father grabbed his weak body. His mother was no good either, beaten up herself and cowering next to the entrance of the slum house. Severus tried his best to loosen his tight muscles as he was hoisted well above the ground. 

"YOU DIRTY SON OF A BITCH" his father hollered right next to his ear. Severus was used to this, so why was he scared now? Why was his stomach churning. No one would care if he died tonight anyway, not even his mother. Why did he pray to live? He blankly stared at his father, his face not showing any signs of pain. He zooned out, the cold belt on his pale and fragile skin becoming background noise. The red hair, innocent smile and kindness of Lily was too much for his heart to bear. Lily had talked to him, even after he foolishly called her a witch when they first met. His father had obviously been drunk, passing out after giving up on "teaching his weird pest" how to behave. Severus would never admit in a million years, but he was actually a tad bit jealous of Lily and her family. Severus always thought writing his thought down was stupid, but since Lily had suggested he write down his emotions, he did;   
Why… Why are they always fighting? Am I really that useless? They always say they would be better off without me, yet they gave birth to me. How is that supposed to make sense? Today, he beat me extra hard. The pain is making me go numb. I make breakfast for him. What made him so mad anyway? Why does he get eggs and juice and I only get water? I work hard, I'm not brat am I? Why are they always fighting? I know others don’t fight. I've seen their houses. It's beautiful, decorated and clean, without any dust or blood. Why does our house always have to be like this? Why can’t there be peace? It sometimes gets to me. Everything just piles up and I want to cry. It's like they seem to be more aggressive as each day passes. Why am I the freak? The monster? I don’t do it on purpose. Why can’t I control it? When I get too scared, things fall, and bad things happen. Mum scolds me and puts spells that hurt. The worst one is called Crucio. It makes me scream. She says I won’t learn unless I get punished. She doesn't use that spell often though, only 2 times. Once when I was 6 and the other when I was 8. I still remember it vividly though. I like mum more than father. Father beats me daily. He doesn't apologize. He scares me. One time, I had been tapping on the wall because that was a way to forget about everything. My father stormed in, and beat me with his spiky belt until his hand was tired. Than he started punching me until I was on the verge of death. I’ve learnt father. Please. 

Severus started to try to avoid the beatings as much as possible. He needed to look presentable in front of Lily anyway. Lily and her family insisted on Severus being put into foster care, but Severus knew what that meant. No Hogwarts, and his parents would get a background check, resulting in them going to jail. The last part never bothered Severus, but that could lead to them killing Lily before they went. That’s how it worked in the Snape family, if you go down, you take everybody with you. Lily had warned him if his father ever beat him, she would report Tobias Snape. Well, Severus could only hope he dressed up nice enough to convince Lily he was fine. He climbed down the narrow fence using a little bit of magic and slumped against a tree. He was there bleeding, but that didn’t seem to affect him that much. The screaming, the pain, became as normal as a daily routine. Maybe this is his whole life... being scared. He did his best to not exist, but it seemed that his dad was looking for a punching bag. Usually, he just stayed in as he was just too embarrassed to go out; but this time he had enough, he just didn’t care. No one cared about him, so why should he be embarrassed. Severus went out. His clothes were bloody, his face looked beaten up, and he looked like a disgrace to society... but wasn’t he? Then, he saw Lily, and started to feel again, and it was no different, something always lit up when Lily was around. Lily saw him, and his heart rushed as he ran, though Lily caught up because his wounds didn’t let him run fast.   
"Tell me what happened" she ordered.   
"NOTHING" he shouted.   
"Why were you running?"   
"I figured I got hit by the branch and was running home so I could clean up."   
Lily stood there with arms crossed. "Anyway, I have to go, my aunt is coming over and I have to be present."   
"me too, I have to clean up, as you can see I hit the branch quite hard."   
He stopped feeling again. But Lily didn't matter now. What mattered now was getting home and hoping to die painlessly. He had nowhere to run. No one to run to. The pain was unreal. He stepped into the poor and run-down shelter he had to call home. Nothing seemed to be working, as every step, he just wanted to drag himself down a cliff. But then no one would care. No one would come, and no one would notice. What’s really the point now? The thoughts overwhelmed him. Why is he like this? Why can't someone else be in his shoes? He hated it. He hated the screaming, the yelling. The mill was 10 times worse, at least after his father had said he was into witchcraft. By now, he was secluded by the whole community because of these true rumors. Even his own mother wished he had never been born, or at least be a squib. He was very much alive and very much magical. He would tell Lily that he had to go work at the mill now. He could only meet her on Sunday's. How pathetic of him, but he still remembered the last time he was shoved in there. He was 6, and his father needed money for his drinking habits. 

Flashback* 

Severus was guided by a forceful push from a bulky man.   
"Ross, my hometown mate, the boy is here" his father had snorted.   
The other man, with a blonder hair tone and nicer clothes sneered "he had escaped for a whole year".   
The other bulky man holding the boy by his neck tightly answered " I tell ya, it's my bloody wife eh? She took him during the day. He'll make up the work in 3 months"   
The man patted the Severus chin . His father shoved him to the hard concrete as he left with a scowl. The blonde man clenched on to Snape's hair.   
"How old are you now?" The man whispered loudly in Snape's ear.   
"6, Sir" Snape flinched. 

”6 huh, ya little brat will pay yur punishment”. 

”Please sir” Snape's eyes were filled with fear 

”Ive heard from my drinkin’ mate that you d witchcraft boy, and he has told me all about it, your father has to put up with two outcasts” the man grinned 

”I beg you, Please" Severus had whined, but it was of no use. He knew the consequences. 

Ross's eyes widened when he properly looked at Severus. "He is such a gem right now, he will be with me at night mate, don't worry about this boy." 

Severus's father only grinned slyly before leaving him in the dark factory with the pedophilic man.   
*End of flashback 

Severus hadn't even realized Lily was a couple of feet away from him. Severus hoped that she wasn't waiting too long for his attention. 

"Lily, I have to go work at the mill, so we can only meet Sunday's" he mumbled. 

"NOO, Severus, that’s a filthy place to be, please, let me help you" Lily stepped closer. 

"You can't help Lily" was all Severus said before jolting back home. He had fresh tears in his eyes and the last thing he wanted is for Lily to see him crying. In 5 months, he would go to Hogwarts and be with Lily again. Just 5 months in that evil place. The pair of innocent green eyes was enough for him to live through his personal nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 KUDOSSS< AAAAAAAAA, thanks, and yea, same thing, if anything doesn't make sense or anything do telll


	3. Factory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus is strong...

The dark factory located at the very far back of Spinner's end was a second home to so many poor children, so many convicted pedophilic men, and so many fatalities because of the hard work the children are given. Yet it still existed, and was thriving. Severus hated it with all his heart. He was not only the victim of the overseers who have him special attention for being "the witches boy" and being "weird and an outcast". Severus so desperately always tried to hide his magic, which only caused trouble, but it slipped, and he was beaten, whipped and tortured. His bony body was always covered with bruises and welts, and Severus had stopped feeling the pain. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. He clutched on to the letter Lily wrote to him not to long ago. It was a simple "Severus, wanna play?" but it kept Severus alive in the dim factory. 

"Go to the coal transport section" Ross, the owner of the factory barked.

"Yes sir" Severus was quiet but moved quickly, hoping that Ross would just forget about him. He hated being in the center of attention, especially when most of the time, it lead to him limping for days. 

" Severus, I've heard your mum has been arguing with my bud to send you to freak school."

Severus stilled. He already knew that today wasn't going to go smoothly in the factory. Not that it ever did. Severus was visibly shaking, fists clenched so hard his fingers were numb, his face white pale. 

"Sir… Sir I-" Severus couldn't even finish his sentence when the grown muggle man slapped him hard in the cheeks. 

"Yur a disgrace to this community, creep" The man roared.

And so Severus went blank. His expression non existent, his body limp. What he still had was Lily's letter, placed under one of the coal boiler machines, never to be found by these muggle monsters. Severus thought of the times Lily and he would discuss about Hogwarts, how they could be normal, and all the beautiful things. No one magical ever has beaten him, abused him sexually, emotionally, mentally,, and physically to the point that he was numb. The nicest muggles he met were Lily's parents, and they always shot him looks once in a while, making him feel uncomfortable. Severus grimaced slightly as pain grimaced all over him. 

"YOU CREEP, ARE YOU PLAYING YOUR LITTLE TRICKS ON ME" Ross shouted near his ear, it was ear deafening. 

"Sir, I didn't… I… Sir… no… I didn’t mean-" Severus was interrupted with Ross's belt in his hand striking his bare back, where his paper thin shirt had torn.

"Ya are a disappointment to yur father, piece of shit" He dragged Severus out of the connection hallway to the work area, where most of the children, teens and adults worked. 

"If anyone decides to be a disgraceful creep like this boy, you will meet the same fate as him." Ross spat.

"Sir, sorry, please….. Sorry, sorry, sorry". Severus whimpered gently. Tears threatening to leave his eyes. Everybody in the factory knew that he could do "fishy things" and "magic tricks" and secluded him from everything. More than anything, it was painful. His own mother had made it clear she wanted a Squib and him being magical was a curse that ripped the family apart. Severus had once been desperate to please his mother, burning his hands in scalding water to hope the magic would "go away". It pained him knowing his very existence was a mistake. It pained him knowing that life would always treat him like this because he had magic, something that was a part of him, and something that would be stuck with him forever. Lily was the first person that accepted him for who he was, and he fell head over heals for her. It didn't matter that he was only barley 7 at that time. She was his everything.   
Severus snapped back to reality when his thin layer of protection was completely drenched in his own blood. If only he could explain to them that no one could 'beat the weirdness outta him' as Ross would say. His malnourished body, bloody and battered had become littered with scars over the years, his face sallow and thin, the innocent smile taken away from him bit by bit. He hated who he was, but people wanted to avoid him, so he let them. He had become cold and sour to anyone but Lily. He didn't know how long the beating would last, sometimes switching to screaming at him. Perhaps people at Hogwarts would accept him. They were just like him,, so there was no reason they wouldn’t. But he remembered he was Half-Blood. Not only a half-blood, but a product of a pure blood witch traitor and a pure muggle with not a hint of magic in him. His mother had mentioned how he was of lowly blood, but Severus just had to hope Hogwarts had to be better. It had to be, as life couldn't possibly get worse, could it?

Severus didn't know what the time was, but he knew the abuse went on for at least a few hours as the tiny window on the left had no light, which only meant worse for Severus. He was beaten unconscious, with whips and canes and hands, but he was bandaged up. He only feared that, because he was lying under Ross, with a torn shorts. Even though it had happened plenty of times before, every time felt like he was being torn apart. The first few times he thrashed, oh he had been so innocent and young, but now, he just lay there like a motionless doll, face blank, mind deep into fantasies of Hogwarts and magic. For some reason, after Lily, magic had become a source of comfort in the cruel world. 

Severus woke up, feeling as bad, or even worse than yesterday, but continued to ignore the floating pain, like he usually did, and dragged himself to the Coal boiler. If Ross caught him sleeping past 5:30am, he would suffer another harsh beating, and Severus was actually concerned weather he would survive. The factories hygiene policies were non- existent, and Severus's hair was permanently greasy, along with his face. He had accidently used magic yesterday in a time of panic, moving a piece of coal a few feet to the right. That was enough for Ross to start his common ritual of beating Severus unconscious. But Severus would get through this hell because he needed to spend more time with Lily, and he had fought so hard this far, and he was less than half a year away from Hogwarts. 4 months, already one month of this had passed. Just four more months of this. Severus carried his weak body to start strolling coal down to the boiler, pain from yesterday becoming worse for some reason. If only he could use magic, he could somehow transport all of this. He repeated three words in his head to keep strong. 

Lily…

Hogwarts…

Magic……

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry..... if you are actually reason this for such crappy writing. I am sooo bad at editing, and gave up on editing. does this even make sense? IDK.


	4. Time passes, but slowly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus hates the factory so much

Severus had done this before, and it had never been this nightmarish. The older he got in the factory bigger the work load, harsher words, and more unbearable punishments were thrown at him. Severus was breaking, driven to insanity every second he breathed in that ugly place. His dignity, his morals, and most importantly his self worth was all washed down the drain in a matter of days. Severus jolted awake when someone's boot made contact with his face. 

"Creep, get up, it's already 6:00am, and that means you're already getting 50 lashes" An older worker gritted. 

The small purple bruise from yesterday's humiliation got worse, and Severus grimaced when he touched his face slightly. He rolled out off the boss's bed, and blinked his blurry eyes to start his usual day. It was honestly exhausting and he only ever thought about Hogwarts, magic, and Lily to keep him sane. His own throbbing body immediately went to the work station and started transporting coal to the boilers when the humiliation started again. He felt a hand up his nape, and the man dragged him towards the overseer section of the factory, where everybody would witness him being tortured. Severus knew no one would care, and no one would tell the boss it was too much for a 10 year old boy all because everybody knew he was the outcast. He was the outcast that would "hex" them and he deserved it, according to all the workers that watched him choke on his own blood.

All because he was magical.

Severus immediately knew who this man was from his voice. It was the man more merciless than anyone else in the factory, and sometimes even more merciless than the heartless monster he had to call father. 

Severus wanted to close his eyes, to disappear in thin air like his mother does, or just have magic to comfort him, but he knew using magic would mean more punishments from these non-magical people that would never understand him. Severus let his body go limp, and let his mind chant such positive things like "Hogwarts. Magic. Lily. " The whip was loud, so loud some of the spectators shuddered. Blood trickled down Severus back as Severus's breaths became forced and shaky. 

"49 more, you creepy shit, I might change how you receive your punishment for not only waking up late, but also for existing and being a OUTCAST in society" Ross emphasized the word "Outcast". Tears were forming in Severus's eyes not because of the pain, he had gotten used to that, but the fact that he was magical. He had so desperately wished he weren't magical, so he could live a normal life, a life where his parents wouldn't beat him to the verge of death, a life where he blended in, and a life where he would enjoy muggle activities and wouldn't even know magic existed. But he had come to terms that he will never be normal, and that he would always be the "outcast" who needed to be chained up because of the weird tricks he could do. Weird tricks only Lily would understand.

Lily.

She was his savior from that day she jumped over the fence to save him. She was his savior when she understood that magic was great, and his miserable, pathetic life would become bearable with her. He thought of the innocent green eyes staring with a sparkle Severus himself could never obtain. Her beautiful smile lighting up his dark world of suffering, Severus would give his life to make sure she was safe. His stomach had butterflies when he thought about Lily, and his worries would vanish within seconds. Lily was just that pure and considerate. His angel he would sacrifice anything to protect.

Blood pooled under his feet, and his skin burned form every whip Ross gave him. Tears were getting mixed in with blood, and all Severus could feel was icky substances, mostly blood running all over his body. His hands were shaking and he knew that was a bad sign because last time it happened, Severus had accidently used magic. It was an accident, but people were quick to figure out it was him, the witch boy. He couldn't. see properly, and his mind wasn't in his control, and all that he could register was horrific pain.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY FACE BOY?" Ross hollered. 

Severus obviously had no clue, as his bloody back was facing against Ross, but he was terrified.

"I don't know sir, I DON'T… Please sir, I didn't do anything" he cried, his voice so shaky and filled with fear.

Ross aggressively snapped Severus's neck to face him, showing cuts that formed into his face. His eyes were red and blood was dripping from his cheekbones.

"I didn't do it sir, please…" but Severus knew his wails were of no use. He was established as the creep, and he was the disgrace to the community. 

"oh, now yur lying to me boy.. Obviously you are the creepy boy that can do these tricks." Ross shackled him and let two of his right hand men drag Severus to the dungeons located under the factory, meant for workers who weren't doing their work, but also served as "protection from the witch boy".

Two more months and Severus would be whisked away to Hogwarts, two more months until freedom, and even if someone tried to get in Severus's way, he would escape this factory because he knew he didn't want to die here, locked away in some filthy, small space. That night, his body went completely numb from untreated wounds and tight shackles, which he was kind of grateful for, because that meant he was left alone for the night. He hadn't looked at himself in forever, cause no one cared about how he looked, expect for Lily, who showed genuine concern when he showed up with bruises and cuts. Lily offered him free showers when his hair got too greasy from being unable to shower at home. Lily had become his only life line, someone he could always trust with his secrets that he wanted to share. Like magic. The cold flooring in the dungeons and the numbness in his body wouldn't allow Severus to fall asleep for more than 3 hours, not that he was allowed to, and even for those three hours, old memories haunted him.

*Flashback

"Tom, what do you need" mother was nervous, and Severus was 5.

"I need you to make a certain potion for me Eileen, and only you can make it, and if you don't, I'll make sure you regret it. Oh, also Eileen, I have my ways, so don't even try disappearing" A cold voice snapped. 

Severus was scared. His mother had told him to stay in the back of the house, and that he would receive harsh punishment if he came out, no matter what. Severus knew that was unusual, as his mother never cared about him, other than muttering to herself how she wished Severus was a squib. Severus didn't like the tone of the man at their house, but he stayed quiet, watching a bird from the dusty window when his father entered through the back door. 

"Where's Eileen boy?" he grunted

"she is speaking to a guest sir" Severus spoke with politeness to avoid a beating. 

Severus's father Tobias stormed to the front door, where Elieen shrieked. Tobias had slapped her again. 

"YOU CHEATING ON ME WHORE?" he hollered.

The guest had done something obviously as only a gasp could be heard after that. 

"Tom, the minis-" Elieen didn't even finish her sentence.

"Don't worry about it" the cold voice replied. �  
*end of flash back

Luckily, the memory was stopped there as Severus was kicked in his abdomen really hard.

"Hey witch boy, you might infect, other people with your bad blood, so get bandaged up… you are a threat to society, but we need workers to finish up, as our factory has been loosing some." Ross's work partner, Bill gritted.

Severus was unchained and once again, lazily bandaged up, the whole factory convinced that if his blood touched them, they would become like him. A freak. 

Days passed slowly, each day more humiliating than the previous day, Severus reduced to less than worthless. The note that Lily gave him was drenched in blood, but he still kept it, because it was Lily's. One more day until he would run away and go to Hogwarts, his heaven. His mother had been kind enough to dig up some of her old stuff and pass it down. Meal plans and dormitory rent was Severus's problem, but for Severus, figuring that out would be easy. In short, Severus would not let anything get in his way to freedom, Hogwarts.�  
The last day had come and the whole factory had already noticed something was wrong. Severus didn't look like normal. He wasn't gloomy, and he was even a little aggressive, compared to normal, where he would just bend his neck into submission to let the Factory leaders to punish him. Ross knew that Severus was leaving to go to some "weird school that the witch wanted him to go to" and didn't let Severus off his eyes. Ross didn't even let him work that day, constantly making sure Severus was degraded and beaten up. Hopefully to beaten up too much to go to that "weird boarding school". But the only thing Severus cared about was the bruises he needed to cover up to look presentable at Hogwarts, not that anyone cared. Severus was becoming numb physically, that didn't worry him, but he desperately didn't want to become mentally numb, like his parents. Like that cold guest that still sent shivers down his spine, despite not even seeing his face, or the encounter being more than 5 years ago.

Soon enough, while he was getting his 50th beating of the day, a sulky woman showed up, her belly way to round and big, with more bruises than last time he saw her. As soon as Bill let him go he ran to her.

Mother.

She was the closest to accepting him in his family. Even though she made it clear she wanted a squib.   
�"Severus, lets go" she whispered, her thin lips slowly falling into a slight smile, like she actually cared. 

"Mum, are you-" he didn't have to finish his question.

"Yes Severus, we are expecting, and I feel like she is a Squib, in my heart" she exclaimed quietly, her voice a little more energized.

"How wonderful, mum" Severus managed, a little scared about what would happen to HIM if they have the perfect, non-magical daughter. Would they kill him? His parents had come close to that before. Severus plastered a blank expression as he took his mothers hand, his cold hands being squeezed by warmer hands as he left the horrid factory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh, it only gets WORSE HAHA> also I want to say, I do not condone any of these bad behaviors. If anyone even feels a little offended I can delete it and stuff, and this applies for all my chapters and stuff. The last thing I want to do is offend someone who has actually been through abuse. There will probably be other topics that are sensitive, and I understand if someone is offended, just tell me , I also don't mean to fantasize these things, and if Im not doing my research correctly and offend someone, please tell. ABUSE IS NOT OKAY... neither is anything else. I want to make it clear as the clearest thing on the universe that I'm not meaning to fantasize any of these things. anyway... other than that, since quarantine, my usage of English is almost zero, so excuse that, and please do tell if anything docent fit or docent make sense.


	5. Trip to Hogwarts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus goes to Hogwarts

"Severus, here is my stuff, now which is all yours" Elieen slightly smiled, feeling a little proud. 

"Yes, mum" Severus silently took the old books, among other things Elieen had hid in their house.

Elieen and Severus walked in uncomfortable silence, Severus unintentionally glancing at his mother's stomach. When they got to King's cross, Severus was more than exited to change into his robes and leave. His mother put one hand around his shoulders, gently. Severus wondered when was the last time his mother showed such affection. Due to muscle memory , Severus had his black hair in front of his face, and his demeanor extremely insecure, flinching at everything. Severus scolded himself for being a nervous wreck. He had to focus on the bright side, on Hogwarts. He would prove to everybody that he wasn't a worthless pig. He would be praised for his skills, and wouldn't be shunned endlessly. It didn't matter that he was using the broken wand of his mother's. He read all about the usage of someone else's wand, and how to work around the obstacles and discomforts. 

"Severus, if I get any letter, no matter what kind, your going to be in trouble, so make sure that doesn't happen" Elieen threatened, her voice sickly sweet. Severus knew if any letters found their way home, he would pay the consequences, so Severus simply nodded. He would be appreciated by fellow wizards and witches, and they would see his accomplishments. His mother silently left him in the middle of the station, leaving a few questions unanswered, but that didn't bother Severus, as he was confident he could catch on pretty quickly. He changed into his wizard clothes, as his muggle clothes were not only barley covering him, but just flat out hideous. His mother dropped him off early, and to anyone else, it would have seemed like Severus was too exited for Hogwarts and made his mother drop him off, but reality was that his mother wanted to get rid of his presence as soon as time would allow. Eileen had worked on a bruise/ wound concealing charm the previous night, so Severus seemed normal to the public and wouldn't raise any suspicion that would lead to investigation. Severus never understood how the whole thing worked, but he knew better than to disobey something his parents had enforced, 

"Sev……" Lily grinned.

"Oh Lily, you know I'm jumpy" Severus smiled.

Lily immediately hooked her arm into his arm and marched over to the train. Severus forced himself to straighten his posture and tuck the hair in front of his face behind his ears. The train was magical in Severus's eyes. So many young 1st years like him, exited for Hogwarts. It already warmed his heart to know that these people wouldn't judge him for being magical. Lily practically dragged him to a nearby compartment where there were already two boys sitting comfortably. 

"May we sit here?" Lily asked brightly.

"Of course, but the already Slytherin wannabe creep can't" the boy with round glasses smirked. Severus almost hunched, his hands immediately wanting to place his uncut hair in front of his face in shame, but refrained. He was an equal here right? Severus could only here his father calling him a creep. He felt dizzy and his he scrunched his face in result.

"Stop it" Lily defended. Severus couldn't take the repeating memory of his father calling him a creep so he did what he felt as was the only option. Severus hated getting memories from his past, something he wanted to forget ever so badly. 

"Lily, I need to go to the bathroom" his voice cracked. He didn't want to seem like he was escaping, so he walked out as calmly as he possibly could. He could hazily hear the boy in the compartment calming Lily down, passing it off as a harmless joke. It might as well been, if all the trauma wasn't attached with it. Severus slumped down completely against the bathroom wall in the train, taking deep breaths, re- enforcing himself that no one would harm him, and they were also like him…

Magical. 

Somehow, the two boys had convinced Lily it was an harmless joke, and soon enough, Lily started to loose her temper, and had started conversing. Severus had finally composed himself from the mini panic attack, walking towards the seat Lily was in. He hid behind the door, making sure he was calm enough that any slight joke wouldn't bother him. 

"Slytherins usually follow You- Know- Who, and I really admire you to support his ass" The other boy without glasses giggled. To Severus's shock, Lily didn't defend him, instead, laughed it off. That was enough to send Severus into an unstable state again, reminding him of the countless times he would be humiliated by the other workers in the factory. He knew this was different , but hid hands were shaking and his thinking was getting fuzzy. Severus quietly walked to another cart, this time empty. He plopped down, exhaling visibly, blinking rapidly to get rid of the blurriness in his eyes. Severus didn't understand why he was feeling so offended. He had experienced many worse things on a daily basis. He clenched his hands in despair. He hated being so weak, barley holding together because some guy told him something he heard his whole life. Than it hit him. He had expected different in way, hoping that people wouldn't degrade him. Hurt him. He sat through most of the train ride blankly staring at the window, but also clearing out his head, and trying to think logically." It's only two of them, I bet there are many people like Lily, who wouldn't hurt me intentionally" Severus had concluded. Lily, who had not forgotten about Severus, had finally found him, brightly smiling before sitting down next to Severus. 

"They were just joking, I bet, they were quite nice to me" she exclaimed.

Severus nodded. If Lily didn't think it was offensive, it wouldn't have been offensive. It couldn’t have been. Lily continued, but decided to talk about school supplies. She had gotten a screech owl, a wand that was perfectly suited for her, among other things that were up- to- date. Severus had a good time listening to all the things she got, but got very shy when she asked about what he bought.

"Mum had me borrow her stuff, and knew someone who could lend some clothes and a cat." He brushed the question off and said nothing else. He disliked talking about himself. They spent the next few moments talking about wizard sweets and chocolate frogs. 

"1st years, please follow me, it is a pleasure to have all of you attend Hogwarts !" a short woman squeaked. The first years were lead from there step by step into Hogwarts. The boat ride was absolutely splendid, with Lily across from him. It almost felt like a romantic date, that he had seen in the TV. 

"Hey Lily, will you be my friend no matter what?" he asked suddenly remembering how easily she laughed with the other two boys when they made fun of him. 

"Of Couse Sev, no matter what, we will be best friends." Lily didn't hesitate saying that even a bit, which comforted Severus. 

" Are you nervous about the sorting ceremony" Lily changed the subject.

"Kind of, I hope we are in the same house" Severus shrugged, even though he knew she would be in a different social class, no matter what. Lily was already very popular in her muggle school, and had a charming personality, and on the other hand, Severus was dirty looking and was deprived of social skills since birth. No one taught him how to act like a gentleman, and no one taught him how to properly introduce himself. No one in his poor neighborhood had any elegance or morals. Severus just hoped he fit in somewhat, and that Lily would never leave him. 

Even though the confrontation with the two Gryffindor wannabe's ruined him mood, the train ride and the boat ride to Hogwarts symbolized something very important to him. It symbolized freedom. Freedom from his parents, freedom form his past, and most importantly, the freedom to express who he really was, a wizard. He and Lily walked down to where the sorting ceremony happened. 

"I'm professor McGonagall, and next to me is out newly appointed headmaster, Headmaster Dumbledore. You will become familiar with your class teachers after you actually start attending your classes, so clear your mind and get ready to get sorted." A tall witch gestured to a used, brown hat. 

"Cecile Hans Abalister" McGonagall called out, but Severus had started breathing a little roughly. He stumbled to the back of the crowd. There were too many people, and his skin painfully rubbed against the crowd, and even though the concealing charm concealed him injuries, it did not make the pain go away. His body suddenly hurt, as adrenaline started wearing off. He grimaced in pain that usually was nothing to him back home. Maybe because he had to be completely silent here, even a bit happy, whereas at home, he could cry and sob all he wanted to if he pleased. Everything was happening too fast. 

"Sirius Adoral Black" even though Severus was hazy and was overwhelmed by anxiety, he managed to notice this was one of the boys in the compartment. 

"Gryffindor" the hat exclaimed. Severus would have snorted if he wasn't in pain. He had made his face blank again, controlling himself. 

"Lily Peter Evans" McGonagall read out. Severus was still in the back of the crowd, but had lifted his head. 

"Gryffindor" he hat exclaimed. Severus knew it. Lily was brave, just like how she had gone out of her way to meet Severus in those dangerous streets. But that didn't matter because Lily told him they would never fall apart, and he trusted Lily, way more than he trusted himself. He watched Lily walk to the Gryffindor table, Black, he now knew, inviting her to sit next to him. She seemed happy, and that was all that really mattered for Severus. Lily did glance at him, sweetly, with a hint of sadness, before going to her table.

"James Harriet Potter" The other boy in the compartment had walked up. 

"Gryffindor" the hat exclaimed. Severus's face twisted a little, as Lily would essentially be in the same house as them. He had suddenly remembered her laughing at the crude statement they had said. 

"It's not even that crude, you moron" Snape chided to himself. Severus waited for his turn, perfecting his face to be normal. 

"Severus Tobias Snape" his name was called. He was a little nervous, as his mum would be disappointed if he got anything but Slytherin, mostly because it was the only type of robe she could get her hands on. 

"Hmmm, its difficult to read you, and on top of that, you are damaged, little fella, but I can see underneath all of that, you're mostly smart and cunning. … … …. ."

"Slytherin" Severus sighed in small relief, his legs automatically walking towards the Slytherin table, feeling uncomfortable because of all the attention. Attention was always bad for him. It always ended up horrible for him. He found a seat further from the rest of the table, as a blonde prefect put his long fingers around his shoulders.

"Snape, I have never heard, interesting, but anyway, welcome to Slytherin, my name is Lucius Malfoy." Severus simply nodded, refraining from wincing at the cold touch on a fresh bruise. 

Hogwarts was going to be one hell of a ride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, this also probably makes no sense. Anyway, sorry for all the crappy grammar and stuff, and I would say this is definitely one of those lighter chapters.


	6. fitting in? Never heard of it....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus wants to fit in

"First years, please settle down, and everybody else, please go to your dorms and settle down" McGonagall interrupted. A good portion of the hall got up and left, only leaving 1st years sitting in their respective house tables. Severus huffed softly before sitting in the nearest seat, his body aching with all kinds of pains. He had the urge to grimace, but held it down, not wanting to draw any sort of attention. Severus tried to deeply inhale and than exhale, slowing down the unnecessary adrenaline in his body. He kept whispering to himself that no one would hurt him at Hogwarts. 

'No one would hurt me'

'No one would hurt me' 

Little did Severus know that was the furthest thing from the truth, but at least it felt good, in the moment. 

" these are your teachers, Slughorn, McGonagall, Flitwick, Sprout, Dean, and Coleen, and I'm Dumbledore, your headmaster" the headmaster started. He continued explaining how Hogwarts worked, as well as answering any questions from first years. Severus wondered if there was any way he could skip classes if he already knew everything about it. Severus slowly started raising his hand when he felt a voice in the back of head. 

"You're always looking for trouble, looking for the attention, you pest" Severus didn't even know who's voice it was, but his hand immediately dangled by his sides. Severus felt so ashamed for not even being able to raise his hand. He was mad at himself for letting the past affect him. For some reason, Hogwarts didn't solve all his problems like he hoped it would. The bruises still hurt, he couldn't properly talk or socialize without the voice getting up his head, and whenever he wanted to be normal, flashbacks made him crumble to less than nothing. He still felt miserable. 

"What's wrong" someone tapped his shoulder lightly to which he flinched way to hard for a normal boy, barley holding in a yelp. It was one of the supervisor staff at Hogwarts, who just make sure everything at Hogwarts is alright.

"I'm fine ma'am" Severus lied. The man gave Severus a questionable look before brushing it off and moving on. If Severus ever told anyone, it felt like he would be treated like someone disgusting, just like he was. No one would like for a disgusting creep that can't think straight to study at such a magical and beautiful place at Hogwarts. Severus didn't realize the tears on his face, something he experienced so much he stopped distinguishing it from any other emotion he showed. His face flushed red. He had met freedom, away form his father, away from everything he had experienced, and a fresh start where people would accept him, but he still felt trapped. No matter how badly he wanted to shake the feeling off of him, he still felt worthless, and he still felt unloved. The feeling that Lily didn't actually feel happy with him and she just put up with him because she felt pity was gnawing on him more than ever since the train ride. He had stopped listening to the Headmaster at this point, his mind filled with hatred towards himself. He stared at Lily, his heart only hurting more when she seemed so happy, so full of joy. He hated the voice that kept telling him he was dragging her down, that he was a nuisance to her life. He ferociously wiped his tears on his sleeve, the canceled wounds stinging as the sleeve of his robe was dragged across his face. 

" You may go to your dorms" wasn't heard by Severus but the noise of the first years excitedly getting up jolted him awake from his painful thoughts. He needed to be in the moment, he thought to himself. He was lead by a supervisor along with some other Slytherins to his dorm, where he would be sharing his room with Evans Rosier Severus placed all his belongings under the bed and on a small desk, hiding most things, embarrassed about how old and dusty the supplies were. Old books from his mother, along with a broken wand. Severus was grateful for having what he had, along with a black cat that was put up for free because of it's horrid condition. He stared at it for a while. It reminded him of himself. Unwanted and broken, being put up by someone because they had no real choice. His dormmate didn't even acknowledge him, placing his things wherever he felt like placing them, sneering at Severus a little. New, pristine books, a healthy, expensive owl, along with a few other things that Severus couldn't help but stare at for a few seconds. 

'Oh crap, a broom' Severus didn't have a broom. He had forgotten about it. Lily didn't say anything because she had rented a school broom, her parents paying rent for the broom. Severus on the other hand, had no idea how he would dodge this problem. He couldn't tell anyone he couldn't afford a broom, he would be looked down upon and it could lead up to people investigating his home life, which he had to avoid at all costs. His mother had warned him that she would kill him herself if anything left his mouth. He was young and asked her why, to which he got a mumble. Maybe it was the mystery man that showed up to his house by the name of Tom, as mother was never really rough on him unless it was anything about Tom. Maybe Tom had to do something with You- Know-Who, who mother never allowed Severus to speak about. 

Severus looked at the sheet that was given to him, for his schedule. Maybe he was freaking out for no reason, perhaps this feeling of loneliness would disappear soon enough. Lily was a master at making him feel wanted, and he had to be optimistic that he would find other people like her. 

"Hey, you're not a pure blood are you? What are you" Rosier sneered at him. 

Severus suddenly stepped back, taking a few seconds to calm himself. He felt so weak and vulnerable. He whimpered softly, his fists shaking. He didn't want to be an outcast here too. He finally wanted to fit in, but sooner or later, people would know. 

"I'm half-blood" he gritted, his tone coming of as a little rude even though he was having the 100th breakdown of the day. Rosier cackled before facing Severus. " Ugh, look at my luck, having to share my dorm with a puny little half - blood" he snorted. Severus felt smaller than ever. He already failed at getting along with his dormmate, how was he going to make friends? He feared he would have to relive the same experience of being a total outcast all over again. He desperately wanted to leave behind his defense mechanisms and just live his life like everybody else. The lives of the people he would read in story books, the lives of people he witnessed on the other side of Spinners End. A happy, fulfilling life filled with joy, like Lily's.

Severus was spot on when he concluded he was an outcast, even where people could do magic just like him. A lot of people knew each other in Slytherin already, he figured, seeing Rosier interact so freely with a group of boys like they had known each other for years. Severus just pulled out the DADA year 6 book, pretending to read, even though he knew every page memorized by heart. Severus was avoided by his dormmate along with everyone else like a plague, and it wasn't even the end of the day yet. A particular girl called Bellatrix had started shooting him disdainful looks. No one would attempt to speak to him, following the trend of avoiding him. Severus couldn't go up to someone, as he felt as if his greasy hair and ugly, disgusting self would only end up rejected. 

All he wanted is to fit in, to feel needed by people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooo, this pic is a slow update fic..... yaAaAaAaY .... again, sorry you're reading this messssssssssss...


	7. Hogwarts starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus just isn't that sociable.

"Ok look, its filth" Rosier sneered. Severus looked at his schedule, sitting at the very back corner of transfiguration, the first class of the year. Severus hoped with all his heart that he would feel normal soon. He bit his lips in frustration, trying to get "his wand" to work. It wasn't even his, it was his mother's that got broken. He had figured out how too use it mentally, but. It was still a little difficult physically. He had hoped he could let down his walls, but the unnecessary crying and getting hurt over Lily proved him too weak. Maybe after he had settled down, he would become more vulnerable. The last thing he wanted to be is to killed by his mother, when his life had just started. 

"So, take out your wands, obviously, I wouldn't want your poor pet to get hurt, so we will be covering inanimate object transformations first" McGonagall cleared her throat and the class fell in silence. McGonagall just had that presence around her. For Severus, that was a good thing, as there wasn't murmurs behind his back degrading him. 

'But I am a failure, they just caught on early, but I'll change' 

When the class was assigned the end of day quiz, Severus suddenly felt an unbearable cramp in his stomach. He hadn't eaten in a long time. Severus gripped his hands until his knuckles were white, and to any outsider, it could have just been Severus being angry about the quiz, which is what exactly McGonagall thought, narrowing her eyebrows for a second before continuing to walk across the room. Severus couldn't think, filling up the quiz very messily, before the bell rang. Severus immediately went to the great hall where there was a constant supply of snacks, which Severus hungrily grabbed. He chewed on the apple, the sudden feeling of food in his mouth startling him. He rushed to his next class, which was Potions. Severus smiled a little, knowing that this class was one of his strong points and Lily would be there. His stomach still hurt like hell, but he was used to it. Used to concealing pain. The dungeons where the potions class was located was cold, almost a relief to Severus, as he stood in line, waiting to be seated by Slughorn, the potions teacher. 

"Ah, Severus Snape, seat 17" Slughorn boringly sighed. It didn't bother Severus too much but it was evident Slughorn liked the out-going students that had lavish things. Severus was none of those. Seat 17 wasn't at the very back, but it was the seat in the 3rd to last row, a corner seat. Severus slumped down, gulping the apple and taking out his out dated potions book. But luckily, he had modified it along with his mother to make brewing easier. 

Potions was worse than Severus expected. He didn't consider himself optimistic, but he didn't expect potions to such a disappointment. The subject itself was way too easy for Severus, as he could finish whatever given to him in fourth of the time the rest of the class took, even when the only thing registering in his mind was pain. All kinds of pain. For some reason, it pained Severus mentally to see Lily get along with Potter and Black so easily. They had been mean enough to him on the train. Severus reminded himself all of this was just childish and he had to grow up, but in reality, he was a child. A puny, scrawny, eleven year old first year who had home problems and a pitiful, lonely life. He didn't blame Lily for wanting to make decent friends without problems like Potter and Black, and Lily was her own person, and deserved more than him. He gulped placing his forehead on the desk, his hair covering his face. 

"Mr. Snape, just because you are done doesn't mean you get to sleep, come on, maybe you could get ahead." Slughorn squeezed his shoulder, which made Severus bite his tongue harshly, pain radiating throughout his body. At that very moment, Severus was mad. 

"I'm sorry professor" he gritted out. He didn't mean it to come out that way. The pain from bruises and the stomach p ang forced him to make a choice. Either whimper, possibly driving more attention to himself, and seem weak, or grit it out, seeming rude to the outside but really just in pain. His father always liked choice B, so that was what he had decided to with. He was too exhausted to control the pain.

"Don't have that behavior young man" Slughorn exclaimed before walking to the next table. Severus quickly calmed down. He was being an idiot. If he had shown that attitude to his father, he would be dead meat. Also, Slughorn didn't know anything. He didn't know about the constant pain Severus endured. He didn't know about the concealed wounds under his robes, and Slughorn definitely didn't know Severus already had memorized the whole book. There were whispers clouding his mind already. 

'Yur a mess up'

'Ya cant do anything right fool'

'You're over reacting, shut that face up" 

Severus remained as still as stone for the rest of the class, blocking out any snide looks thrown at him. He deserved it anyway. He wanted to disappear into thin air, no one remembering him as the failure he was. Perhaps than, he could come back and be normal. The bell rung too loud for his ears, and as Severus unconsciously stood up, his legs tripped from a bag he never had seen before. Severus's ears immediately turned to a shade of bright red, the voices in his head louder than before. 

'Clumsy' 

'Attention seeking freak.' 

Severus would have cried as his knees impacted the hard floor so suddenly, but he was used to pain. So he just blinked a few times, trying to get rid off all the eyes watching him. He got up in a heartbeat, his whole face paler than before. In the corner of his eyes, he could see Potter and Black snickering, Lily rolling her eyes and letting out a puff from the door entrance. The scariest thing was, Severus didn't know if that was meant for them or him. He hoped for the life of him it was for them. But the voice inside screamed, introducing a throbbing headache. 

'Of course it you, why would she be disappointed in those perfect wizards' 

Severus stumbled out of the classroom without talking to Lily. She waved her hand at him smiling, to which Severus felt to shaky to wave back. He messed up everything after all. There was a break after potions, so Severus rushed back to his dorm where he immediately dropped when he closed the dorm door. Rosier was gone to socialize, but Severus felt too weak to socialize. He was too weak for everything anyway. Too weak to handle anything without messing up.

Severus pitifully looked at himself in the mirror. The concealing charm was fading and the bruises under his robes were evident. His hair was uneven and greasy form the factory, and his face was sallow, cheek bone protruding, nose shaped like a hook. He had started hating everything about himself. He hated that he was magical. He hated the way he looked. He hated the fact that he was an outcast, He hated that he wasn't normal after coming to Hogwarts. Severus scrambled around to find his month free lunch pass, which he got from his mother applying him to be in the program for poorer children at Hogwarts. Revealing too much would get the Snape family in trouble, so the school was under the impression that the Snape family was working class, needing just a little support financially. Severus didn't complain, as one good meal was more than he ever got. Both his parents were fairly tall, so even with the lack of food, Severus was average height, thanks to genes. But sadly, that only made him look more lanky and boney. 

'You look like a disaster, you think like a disaster, so you ARE a disaster' 

Severus wanted to wake up from this nightmare and find himself healthy, good looking, with a charming personality and a normal life. But he knew that was just an illusion he would have to give up sooner or later. Rosier had burst through the room, laughing like a maniac, diving into the lower bunk, messing up the sheets. 

"Bloody hell, you look like you're gonna pass out" Rosier barley acknowledged Severus, who was sickly pale and shivering. Rosier was almost inspiration for Severus to get out of the dorm and get food. The last thing Severus wanted to do is throw up the apple he ate earlier in front of Rosier. He hated how unstable his legs were, wobbling like crazy as he opened the door. Rosier seemed to focused on something else luckily. Something fun, as he was grinning widely.

The walk to the great hall was more painful than ever, and Severus truly thought his pain tolerance was thrown out the window at Hogwarts. He gently placed the tray of food at a seat further away from him. He still wasn't in any condition to talk. Food mechanically went In his mouth, but after not eating anything for long, his stomach could only take so much. He didn't go for seconds, afraid his body would end up rejecting the food. He ate in complete silence, zoning out all other activity that was happening in the great hall. Even if he felt a smudge better physically, he still felt the same mentally. He and Lily had a chance to talk and he just came in running into his dorm, like the coward he was. Before leaving the great hall, he looked around. Everybody had found someone to talk to, while Severus's lips were shut tight. Out of nowhere, Severus remembered his sibling. For it's own sake, he hoped the fetus was a squib, for its own sake, and so it. Won't end up like him, a failure and disgrace. 

If only he could be that care free and normal, like everybody around here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> supriseeeeeeeeee...(chapter posted early) anyway, 500 hits? Never thought that would happen lol. Anyway, I write in one note and ao3 I think doesn't recognize the italics, so some parts are supposed to be emotional, but they just are kinda funky without the italics, sorry about that. Please feel free to criticize, or anything..... alsoooo, if you see any plot holes or anything like that, because yea, I don't want plot holes haha...........


	8. hogwarts can be unfair to freaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> severus basically accepts what he thinks he is...

-I can't do this. The demons always defeat me, no matter what happens to me. I just want to be normal, like everybody else. Why do I have to be like this? A worthless freak that no one cares about!? Am I that bad? Is my heart too cold for this world? Why am I still the outcast? 

In society? My body burns from the sins I have committed, I remember them all vividly after all. It’s only getting worse, and everyday feels like I’m one step closer to hell. I desperately wished for Hogwarts to cure all my illnesses, but I feel all the lonelier, derepressed.” 

Severus felt like his body and mind was about to give up, even worse than normal. His bed was wet from his sweat, and Severus looked ghostly, his skin permanently sallow and grey. He had obviously had a nightmare, but it didn’t seem like anyone cared. He had gained a little but if weight, but his bones were still apparent under his clothes. He swiftly got up, made himself look presentable and started to drag himself to Potions. He loved potions, and the concept itself, but Professor Slughorn always seemed to ignore him. He sat in the back of the class again, his greasy black hair hung before his eyes. Lily was in another class and Potter and his crew were in the front of the class, talking with professor Slughorn. 

It was halfway through the class when he realized bits of his robes were burned off. Severus immediately tried the sewing spell, which he had used several times before, to roughly patch up his clothes when he realized it wasn't a simple tare, it was a prank. A prank he knew the Potter gang had come up with. He still had no idea why Potter and his friends hated him so much, but they seemed to like torturing him once in a while. 

Not as bad as mother, father and back there” Severus would say. To himself. 

There was no point in telling anyone either way, as the favoritism towards them was expressed freely between the teachers and fellow students. He worriedly looked at Potter, when he saw Potter grinning at him. It might have been funny to Potter but it wasn’t funny for Severus.   
“Please stop” he pleaded 

“What are going to do if I don’t, huh Snape? It’s just a robe” Potter smirked. 

“Please, it’s my only set of robes” Severus barley whispered. It was humiliating confessing to Potter that he couldn’t even afford another pair of robes, his face flushing. It’s not like Potter didn’t know either. Rosier had told some people how he was stuck with a “roommate whos’ place looked like a muggle prison cell”. 

“What's the chit-chat about?” Slughorn inquired, mainly aiming at Snape. 

“sir-” Severus couldn’t even start when he asked “please see me after class”. 

Severus hated the attention. Maybe because attention never meant good for him. Attention always meant getting humiliated, and attention always had meant pain. He kept his head down, trying to cover the huge tares on his robes with hands. He didn’t feel anything in particular, anything but a tiny, but deep hurt that Hogwarts didn’t seem that different from home. 

“Ah boy, I would like to discuss about your attire an inappropriate talking and complaining in class” Slughorn sighed. Severus wondered of Slughorn even remembered his name. 

“Sir, I believe I was hexed by Potter and my clothes are tearing” Severus tried his best to seem confident. But he was never that confident or blingy, was he? 

“Well, that’s a bold assumption, boy, and I’ll let it pass this tie as I don’t have time to deal with your childish thoughts, but you will be getting detention if you talk or disrupt the class again, now shoo” he flicked his hands to indicate that Severus needed to leave. Severus collapsed when he got to bed, his eyes with no more fight. He really had tried, tried to fit in, tried to please everybody, but nothing had worked. It felt like he was always destined to be a freak, a monster, and a scum of society that everybody around him described him as. 

Severus didn’t expect to give up so easily, to go back and hide in his shell so quick, but it seemed to comfort him most. He stopped talking to anyone, stopped raising his hand in class, stopped trying to smile, and stopped trying to pretend like he wasn’t filth. He didn’t scrub himself raw to look more pleasant, and he didn’t go through the pain of trying to fix his robes to fit him. He stopped cutting. His hair, and stopped looking at teachers in their eyes when. He turned something in. He just kind of went numb after one incident where he got a scolding from Professor Dean in which he only remembered “filth”. He had blanked out from the rest of the scolding, but it seemed as if the whole school knew about him from the past and he had no chance. No one cared about him either. He would come with blotches of red in his skin from pranks the Potter gang had played and no one would notice. He didn’t feel anything in particular when another student went to the nurse for just a simple cut in the palm. He should have felt enraged as he wasn’t being treated fairly, but he knew that he, Severus Tobias Snape, wasn’t someone the world cared about. Heck, even he didn’t care about himself, why would anybody else. Lily would try to cheer him up, and Severus would get lost in the false sense of security, just to lose it all when she would walk way to her next class. 

“Hey boy, who are you?” Professor Colieen had once asked. He kind of shrugged and contemplated saying “a piece of filth, a monster” before quietly saying “Severus Snape “. She furrowed her eyes into the attendance sheet until she looked a little shocked “Oh my, I didn’t know you were in my class” she chuckled before letting him in. It had been more than a few weeks and Severus felt good. He was slowly becoming invisible, and invisible meant good, no one could see him, and if no one could see him, then that means he couldn’t be hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehehhehhehehe, updating after like half a year. Anyway, I never give up, but i might be 90 before this. gets finihed ouch.


	9. Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus' Christmas

It didn’t hurt Severus when he didn’t get anything for Christmas, weel expect for Lilys’ casual “Merry Christmas Sev”. It’s not like he expected anything at all. He lolled his head watching his roommates unwrapping presents. Severus had lost the Christmas spirit a long time ago. He had been hopeful than. He had drawn a heart in a piece of paper and gifted it to his father. He was three and didn’t know any better like now, and it pained him. He had seen other parents' children giving parents such gifts and the parents would hug them and smile. Severus thought his father might do the same, and gifted his drawing with a huge smile and proud. His father had instead gotten angry at Severus and had beaten him. It hurt Severus than and it still hurt because that went on to prove that such a freak like him never deserves Christmas. Mother always told him how only good children have a fun Christmas, and he was never a good boy. Young Severus tried everything to be a good boy, but now, it felt like he was too broken and too evil to be the perfect boy for anyone, let alone his parents. Severus immediately distracted himself from any thoughts of Christmas to reading about potions. Ah yes, reading always let him escape from his temporary nightmares, even though the permanent ones always remain.   
Rosier must have seen Severus blank out when he gave a. harsh pat on the shoulder.   
“Severus, what are you doing for Christmas?” rosier was always a loud and noisy person, the complete opposite of Severus. Unluckily, rosier and Snape were stuck with each other as roommates.   
“Nothing” Severus stated. Rosier almost laughed. Severus’ life was so pathetic he didn’t have a single thing to in Christmas. Rosier had been disappointed to get some half-blood sharing his roon, but didn’t mind at all as the freak was studying and staying out of his way the whole time. Rosier put on his coat, getting ready for the one class he had before he could go party. Transfiguration. “hey, you have Transfiguration oo, right Severus?” he asked in a demanding tone. Severus didn’t even look at him when he nodded. Rosier rolled his eyes. He had the gloomiest roommate in the history of Hogwarts. “Than can you do my homework if you have nothing to do?” he asked. A small nod came again. Even though Severus was an outcast, he always kept his word. Rosier, happy with Severus’ answer, happily threw his expensive notebooks at Severus.   
Severus had no problem doing any work. He loved it in a sick way. It let his escape the reality of his weathering life. Severus finished Rosiers’ homework when he saw a letter on Rosiers' journal. It was a letter from his mom.   
“Oh Rosier, hope your Hogwarts journey has been great so far! Merry Christmas son! I have a special present for you, and remember to take care of it. The present IS somewhat expensive. But you’ve been such a good boy I felt like you deserved it...”   
Severus couldn’t physically read more of the letter when he placed the journal back at Rosiers’ place. What did Severus do so. differently that made his mother hate him so much. He had never gone against her word, never done anything bad to get in trouble, yet she still hated him, and Severus didn’t understand why. Why his mother didn’t send him. Presents, why his mother always punished him for everything he couldn’t control, and why his mother didn’t love him.   
“Merry Christmas” McGonagall said briskly, turning her back to face the board. Severus absent-mindedly got his notebook, his usual frown plastered in his face. His hand felt numb and he was almost, in a way, disappointed. He had hoped that Hogwarts would be different. He had wished that his “friends that he would have made” would give him presents, and he would give them presents in return, and his view on Christmas wouldn’t be as tarnished. He nearly banged his head on the table thinking about how different other peoples’ lives were. He was so lost in thought that he had sunk down his chair, his head close to the table. “Are you ok” McGonagall asked him. “Yes ma’am” his monotone voice was anything but convincing but it worked, as she continued on. Severus chided himself once more for being so careless outward. He had just whined to himself about not getting presents where he should really have been grateful that he wasn’t bloodied up at home today, or in- matter of fact- bloodied by the Potter gang.   
Severus tried so. Hard to hate everybody else, but in the end of the day, he only hated himself. He hated himself for all those things he couldn’t control and all those things he could. Cause every single time, it always ended the wrong way. Severus wished for many things, but only one had ever been fulfilled. To have a friend, and of course he had Lily. Only now at Hogwarts, Severus was getting further and further away from her it hurt. He was only eleven, but it still felt like he had just run a marathon and he was ready to retire. It felt like his life always moved in slow motion. No pranks had been played at him because of the potter gang being busy with other Christmas activities, and Severus should have been happy, but he wasn't. All, he felt was an empty void inside of him that felt like it was swallowing him. He often thought about how many wrong things he had done in his eleven years of living, and Severus wanted to ball up. The snow outside, bright white, was too pure for his soul, just like Lily. Severus experienced another panic attack right after transfiguration and he was dealing with it. Even though he had settled it down; his hands still shook and his mind was still all over the place.   
Severus had the right to call this day the “best Christmas ever” but it honestly was disappointing. Severus always imagined his first Christmas at Hogwarts filled with love. He had told himself multiple times that he shouldn’t expect anything for himself, a freak in society, but Severus always hurt himself in the end. Every time he had hoped high, his hopes would be crushed in a way even he wouldn’t have expected it to. It was the night of Christmas and the dorm was absolutely silent, all the other students gone for some kind of get together or party. Severus felt lonely, but he deserved it, right? He had tried really hard to make friends the first few weeks until he completely gave up on that idea. He was too worthless to make actual friendships. Lily had told him she was busy as some of her female Gryffindor friends had invited her to hang out. Severus delicately placed his head on top of his pillow, wanting it to engulf him into sleeping. His eyes met the window, where a beautiful sight lay. The full moon lighting up the sky, making the gentle snow visible to his eyes. The window was just cleaned by the elves, so the beautiful night sky just reminded him how ugly he was.   
Please let me be   
What have I ever done to ever deserve this?   
I never wanted to see   
But I never succeed, just always miss. 

Maybe it did hurt that no one cared about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp... this pic is probably cringe, Lily will show up a lot more next chapter, along with the marauders (not a promise, but maybe)


	10. Lily and Sev, friends... forever?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily and Sev, same or different.

“Sev, would you like to be my partner for this lab?” Lily asked excitedly. She had always been doing projects with her friends, but today, they had all gone for the quidditch game, which Lily opted to come after she was done with her project. Severus hadn’t gone either, leaving him as the only option. She knew him and was close friends with him. Severus had happily agreed, readily getting the ingredients ready. “Hey Sev, why did you opt out of watching the quidditch match today?” Lily asked out of curiosity. Severus responded with a shudder, his eyes becoming a little sadder for a split second before gaining their stoic glare. Lily had always noticed how Severus had a cruel look to him, as if he trusted no one but himself. Of course, she had also seen his vulnerable side, where he would laugh and be a free- spirited child, but he was always too serious for an eleven-year-old. Lily frowned to herself, knowing that Severus did his best to let his guard down, but just couldn’t. “What happened to your notes Severus?” she suddenly asked, noticing marks all over it that could never be Severus’. “Oh, it’s just the Potter gang” he sniffed out, a crease forming between his forehead. Lily didn’t want to ruin the mood right now, but she didn’t know how to break it to Severus that the four were actually starting to become close to Lily and Lily was becoming close to them. She smiled sadly before walking down to the cabinets. She didn’t know whether she was sad for herself or for Severus.   
Severus put all his effort into the potion, like he always did. Severus found it very easy to focus entirely on inanimate things, so they could possible never betray him. He also was slightly happier than usual, getting Lilys’ full attention on himself as they were partners. When the project was wrapped up, he didn't want to go anywhere. He loved it just like it was, with Lily, in a magical world far away in a perfect utopia where he could display his potion skills. But he snapped back to reality as Lily waved goodbye, going towards the Quidditch field. He had brushed of the question when Lily asked him why he wasn't going to the match, but the truth was he didn’t want to bear any more humiliation. Even though he had given up having a wonderful life at Hogwarts, he certainly was going to avoid the awfulness if he could. The Potter gang was there, and even if he bumped elbows with them, his perfect day would be ruined. He liked quidditch, but never had a fiery passion that ran through him like others. He didn’t need to go in order to be satisfied today. He hurried up back to his dorm, carefully placing his notes under his cot like bed, right next to his one other pair of clothes he had acquired. So far, he had been made fun of and pranked by the Potter gang several times, to all which the teachers either gave Severus himself the detention or completely ignored it. It just went further to prove how much of a failure he was. He could get beaten up by anyone in the great hall and no now would give any qualms about him. It hurt his heart thinking about that more than it should have, just because he so desperately wanted someone to care about him other than Lily. He had hoped he would meet more people that cared about him, not start to lose Lily because of which houses they were in.   
Lily bid Severus a short goodbye before rushing to the quidditch pitch. Mary, her oh-so-filled-with-pride friend waved at her. Lily settled down, her red hair getting in front of her face. “Hey Lily, you went to hang out with umm, your friend” Mary whispered. Lily had briefly touched up on her friendship with a Slytherin, but decided it would be best if Severus was kept a secret. She didn’t want to lose any possible friends just because she was friends with a Slytherin, and not too much of a popular one either. Severus and Lily had been talking less and less, which had somewhat pained her. Severus was not the most positive, nor charming boy, but he was her friend from the very start and she couldn’t let him go. Lily shrugged “yea, I was working on a potion project with him”. Marys’ lips slightly parted before she nodded, focusing on the game. Even though Severus was quite invisible to most people, when he was mentioned, people tended to have negative connotations. “Oh, he’s the poor one” or “Oh, he’s the definition of anti-social awkward lunatic”. Lily had always ignored them. Whatever happens to them, Lily swore to not be like those people. It’s because Lily had seen Severus whimpering out of fear sometimes, for a reason she didn’t know, but still a reason. Lily still remembered the first day she found him on the bad street, when she had faced his father, and Lily knew Severus wasn’t acting this way on purpose. Lily turned towards Mary, with a lobsided smile, and responded “I mean, everybody has their story, right?” 

Severus felt like the worst wizarding piece of filth to ever exist. He wasn’t stupid and knew his relationship with Lily was going downhill. He had briefly wondered if it was her fault, or his, before safely reaching to the conclusion that it was his mistake indeed. His fathers’ words had struck him. He vividly remembered how his father pointed out that he will always be at fault, because he was a freak. As much as Severus didn’t want to believe that, his fathers’ words only seemed to prove right, time and time again. Severus hung his head, looking into the mirror, not recognizing who was standing in front of him. This boys’ eyes were cold and dead, skin a grey color, which matched his overall attitude and aura. He just never got what he kept doing wrong what others always got right. Severus had read many fantasy books where both sides of the story were right, and just hadn’t seen things in each other's perspective yet. Even though Severus desperately hoped this would be the case with him and society, he knew he was always a lost case, born to be shunned by society. He suddenly smashed the mirror with his fists, shards cementing their way up his palm. He couldn’t bear the burden of being Sev, the boy who believed easily and trusted everyone, but he was going to be Severus Snape, the cold-hearted devil who had accepted his miserable fate recently, when something in his heart shattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, ppl commented and that was a wake up call, I need to get my act together, start editing (cause there is horrendous writing in this fic) and post more often, and longer chapters. I have started to form an ending in my mind, so with a final ending to work with, I might be faster writing.


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